(Our politics grows more and more depressing, and I’ve been on vacation this week, so here’s something different and a bit lighthearted)

The Earth has been around, most scientists agree, for 4.6 billion years or so.  We may think of our planet as “The Big Blue Marble” or as a world of temperate climates and vast oceans, but it’s much more than that.  At its core, the Earth is a magnet.  It’s no secret that the Earth has constant volcanic activity.  The entire perimeter of the Pacific, from Asia and Oceania to North and South America is called the Ring of Fire for that very reason.  The tectonic plates rub together, mountains arise, and volcanic activity takes place.  It’s pretty hot down there, because the center of the Earth is composed of molten iron.  There are several theories for how this came to be, the most intriguing of which is that some 4.5 billion years ago the nascent Earth was struck by the planet Theia.  This cataclysm gave us our Moon, whose size and distance from the Earth has long puzzled scientists.  The remains of planet Theia have never been found, but some scientists now believe that what’s left of Theia lies beneath our feet.  Two huge volumes of rock are buried deep in the Earth. Each is millions of times larger than Mount Everest, and denser and hotter than the rest of Earth’s mantle.  These rock masses interfere with the convection of molten iron at the Earth’s center, and affect the Earth’s magnetic field.  The magnetic field is the force that causes the needle on a compass to point due North, or at least that used to be the case.  For thousands of years, our magnetic North pole was always at the top of the Earth over the Canadian Arctic, but it’s changing.  When all that molten iron moves around, convection currents alter the location of the North pole.  We’re told that the geomagnetic poles have shifted north to south at least 10 times in the last 2.6 million years, but it’s been some 780,000 years since the last shift, so it’s overdue.  When it happens, the compass needle will point to the South geographic pole instead of North. It’s already begun.  The magnetic North pole has shifted southwest from Canada, and now is in Siberia.  It’s not known whether a complete shift will happen quickly or very gradually.  And since this has hasn’t happened in 780,000 years, it’s the first time that human beings will be affected by what is a natural phenomenon of the Earth.  The last time the poles shifted, Neanderthals were new arrivals on the scene.  Homo sapiens didn’t emerge until 300,000 years ago.  40,000 years ago, our ancestors were busy dodging wooly mammoths and painting on cave walls.  It wasn’t until 2,000 years ago that the Chinese learned to use lodestone to build a compass, which permitted them to navigate.  Throughout all of recorded history, the magnetic compass has shown travelers true North, until now.  This latest polar shift, when it comes, has the potential to disrupt the lives of migratory animals like turtles, whales and birds, who rely on magnetism to navigate, but scientists “think” human life is not at risk.  The geologists should consult the climatologists who seem to know everything about the future.  However, our technology may be disrupted.  We rely on artificial satellites for navigation, communication, and TV broadcasting.  The ignorant, shallow version of homo sapiens that currently inhabits the Earth may not care if whales, turtles and birds get lost, but if this annoying shifting of the magnetic poles causes them inconvenience when they’re trying to watch The Bachelor, or take the latest TikTok challenge, there will be Hell to pay.  Because the pole is moving toward Russia, I’m sure Donald Trump will be blamed, but how to fix it?  Listen, don’t worry, once Joe Biden gets reelected, I’m sure he and his Cabinet will figure it out.  They’ve already got government agencies downplaying the danger of a polar shift.  NOOA’s National Centers for Environmental Information says a shift won’t affect the environment.  They’re as sure of this as they are sure a one degree rise in temperatures will kill us all.  NASA says there’s nothing to fear.  Since the shift will affect transportation by disrupting GPS satellites, I guess Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg will be tasked with fixing the problem.  Since Pete can’t even keep trains on the tracks, I’m sure that’s comforting.  Maybe Pete, Elizabeth Warren, AOC and the Squad will put their heads together and order everybody to wear aluminum foil hats to shift the magnets back.  It works for them, and it might even improve TV reception.  But this shifting of the North pole into Russia has more serious implications, and it’s no laughing matter.  Has anyone even considered how this will affect Santa Claus?  If Russia gains control of Santa’s workshop, a lot of elves will be out of a job.  The continual southwestward shift of the pole may bring it into northwestern Russia, to the vicinity of Veliky Ustyug, northeast of Moscow.  If this happens, Christmas will radically change, as even Santa Claus will be out of a job.  This part of Russia is home to the Russian version of Santa Claus.  His name is Ded Moroz, and he doesn’t work with elves at all, just with the Russian Snow Maiden, Snergurochka.   A lot of holiday advertising would have to change.  I’m sure Coca-Cola would be the first to make the transition.

Have a Coke and a smile, comrades.  But don’t get too comfortable Ded Moroz.  The pole may continue to shift south to Africa.  Think of the political implications for Leonard Jeffries’ “Ice People are violent and Sun People are peaceful” nonsense.  He might even have to give up his anti-Semitism just because some molten iron shifted around.  That doesn’t seem fair.  But there could be benefits too.  If the magnetic shift affects the rocks in Joe Biden’s head, he may regain some of his marbles.  Any shift he makes would have to be for the better, cause he can’t get any worse.